Good Grief

Tribute to Sam and Fintan

2011-03-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

Because I'm starting this blog afresh, I wanted to mention the reasons why it all started in the first place - and I why I stopped writing. In May 2009, Sam, who is the son of a couple I knew in Bristol, got killed in a hit-and-run accident. He was 11. Three days later, my friend Fintan died in his sleep. He was 21. (on the left here)

These deaths had and continue to have a profound effect on me. I don't think I will ever get over them. Sam and Fintan were both so young, goodness shone out of them, they had so much to give and to this day I cannot make head nor tail of why this happened to either of them. Senseless. The whole thing is senseless.

I remember the two funerals with clarity and vagueness. I remember the entire Enable bunch coming into the church at Fintan's funeral - I hadn't known they were coming. I remember Fintan's mum telling us not to wear black. I remember Fin's wicker coffin. I remember the beautiful lake where we held the wake. I remember how packed that Church was.
The same with Sam. Sam's funeral - I swear I have never seen so many people. I remember the rain, it befit the mood, if not Sam's personality. I remember having to leave because it was so unbearable.

When I set up this blog, my aim was to try and understand this perverse chain of events, but time is a great healer. Even though blogs are a public vent, they are also introspective and it got to a point where I could manage my pain without writing it down. It always happens. You don't think you'll ever be normal again, and then one day you are. A new kind of normal at least.

I have some glorious memories of Sam and Fintan. But when I think of them, I always fall apart and end up crying like a baby. That's why I said I don't think I'll ever get over it. The emotion that hits me when I remember them - the anger and the sadness, well, it makes it easier not to. It's a cruel reminder of the fragility of life, and the arrogance of youth. We think we'll live forever, but bad things happen to good people.

I'm a different person now, to when I started this blog. So from now on it will be a place where I can purge my mind of all my random thoughts and I hope to God I never have to use it for its original purpose again.

Having said that, I couldn't move on with saying my piece about Fin and Sam. And anyway, its not really "moving on" so much as "stumbling forward." Peace out guys.

Fate and Strangers

2011-03-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

The law of causation in physics is very simple. A causes B causes C.

This is all very well and good but it has devastating implications for free will. For example, say I was picking which sandwich to have for lunch – tuna or cheese? That’s MY choice right? (I’d pick tuna by the way) But there’s a strain of thought that says I didn’t really have a choice in picking tuna. Instead all the experiences I have had throughout my entire life of eating tuna and cheese, mean that I am, for want of a better word, destined to pick tuna. If time were re-run I would always pick tuna and never pick cheese, because the “choice” wasn’t random. It was pre-determined by my past. So if I was always going to pick tuna, how is that a free choice?

That, in a nutshell, is the problem of free-will - and even then I’m simplifying it, like, a lot. But it brings up some very intriguing ideas, most notably, that causation in physics tends to lend itself quite nicely to the idea of fate. (Ignore Quantum Mechanics for the moment – I know you were anyway but…)

So this is why I’m writing about fate: recently I’ve been thinking of entering a poem competition but I’ve been worrying that my poem isn’t good enough. Then I remembered THIS blog, which I haven’t written on for over a year. There was a poem on here that I posted ages ago that I wanted to read. So I go straight to the blog post, and there’s a lovely comment from Anonymous which says “your poetry, as always, still amazes me”.

Then I noticed a new comment on my last ever blog post from @iamkeir. It was posted in October 2010 even though I wrote the actual post in Septemeber 2009. It said “please keep sharing your thoughts :)”

It's been a year since I stopped writing, and someone is still reading my ramblings. So now I’ve taken the decision to start blogging again. @iamkeir I don’t know if I know you, but I want to thank you for relighting this fire.

A causes B causes C.

Cue some bad-ass I'm-back-in-the-game music.

A New Chapter

2009-09-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while. This is partly because I have been busy working, but mainly because it's the summer holidays - which means that any form of literary "activity" makes me feel inescapably lethargic.

It's always the same. I vow to myself that I will expand my mind, read the classics, prepare myself for the next academic year and without fail I just can't be arsed.

I won't lie to you. I like sleeping, doing nothing and "resting" my mind. I work my poor brain to the bone through the school year with all that physics and I just can't find the inspiration over the holidays, when my time is all mine, and the birds are making all that racket in the trees.

But university starts in a week and I feel I need to oil up the rusty cogs in the old noggin and start bloggin. Ho ho - rhyming makes me happy.

I feel rusty, I just had to check the defination of lethargic and then promptly spelt definition wrong. I feel dirty in a grammatical sense.

Love - The Effervescent Chameleon

2009-05-12T16:19:00.000-07:00

Choo choo, here comes the LOVE TRAIN. Be warned...this entry is a sickly big love-in. In the words of the eternally wise Wet Wet Wet - love is all around us. Good grief...I've got love coming out of my ears.

There's a lot of crap that comes from suffering a loss like ours. But it really pulls into sharp relief those people to whom you ought to say "I love you" more often - those who come over and comfort you, those who you haven't spoken to for a while, even those who you see everyday. And I tell you what...it's infectious.

Maybe it isn't surprising that shocking events lead people to say things that are far too mushy and lovey-dovey to be said under normal circumstances. The number of times I've wanted to say it but bitten my tongue, or written an email and then not sent it. But what am I trying to protect myself from...rejection? ridicule? Nonsense is what it is. People love to love and love to know that they are loved. Some might even go so far as to say that love is the fluffy core of human existence.

So then why all this biting of tongues? Why aren't we screaming "I LOVE YOU" from the rooftops? When did "I love you" get so complicated?

The problem with "I love you" is that it lays you rather bare. Once it's out - it's not going back. When you say it, you're probably counting on the fact that whoever you say it to is going to say it back. And if it isn't reciprocated, then its bloody painful. Maybe that explains why, when I say "I love you" to my brother or Dad at the end of a telephone call, I am disappointed when they don't say it back. Of course they love me but for some butch reason, its best shown through a manly punch on the shoulder or the almost but not quite reply "Yer you too, dude."

"I love you" isn't just restricted to family boundaries. That's the most beautiful thing about love...its a chameleon. From one person to the next love can take an entirely unique form. The love I have for that guy who makes my heart go all of a flutter is a stranger to the love I have for a best friend. And yet, love is love. BOTH complete strangers AND the deepest of friends all at once.

And love, when its not confined to family members, pets and friends can be a tricky business. It gets itself confused with so many other things - admiration, lust, obsession, desire, greed and desperation. Love is fast becoming a game to be played. Only those who know how many kisses to put on the end of a text or how many days to wait before calling back reach the final level. But of course we get sick of love games and its all superficial when it comes to LOVE-love anyway.

I hold my hands up and confess that I've been throwing the L word around alot recently. And if I'm being completely honest...which is what this blog is about...well by jove IT FEELS GREAT!!!

Because folks...here's the big secret. Saying "I love you" is the single most powerful thing you can do. And though its often said that with great power comes great responsibilty, I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe we ought to be a little more reckless when it comes to love. As long as you really mean it, saying "I love you" could be the best thing you ever do.

So throw caution to the wind and hitch a ride on the LOVE TRAIN. You'll never look back.

All Or Nothing

2009-05-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

Today was neither here nor there to be honest. I revised and watched the new Star Trek film which is totally awesome so far. I was quite excited to see the original Spock make an appearence.

However this is not why I am blogging. Tonight I found myself having tea with some good and a few new friends. After dinner when our tums were full and our tongues were loose, someone told me that I was an All Or Nothing person. And this struck me as an interesting observation.

I've always liked being straight to point. I hate being wishy washy and flimsy. I'm strong, succinct and opinionated. Or at least I used to be. I've had similar crisises in the past about my ability to speak to others confidently and express myself eloquently. At school I was head of the debate team and an actress. Now the idea of putting myself on show like that is cringe-worthy and speaking in public makes my throat constrict. Maybe its age, self-preservation or maybe like Adam and Eve, I lost my innocence and now feel the "metaphorical" shame of laying myself bare like that. Whatever the reason however, now is not the time to lose myself in a spiral of self-confidence. My point is that though I might have lost my stage presence, I never for one minute thought I'd lose my mind.

But that's exactly what I feel has been happening this week. I am the type of person who likes a yes or no answer. Either God exists or he doesn't. The "maybe" middle ground drives me crazy which is why I hate calling my self agnostic. I am NOT agnostic because I think you can know one way or another. And thats why I swing so violently from one extreme to another. Things exist or they don't. Don't sit on the fence - make a decision. But alas - life isn't like that is it. No life is never black and white. It's always a lovely cocophany of grey. Though on the other hand, that doesn't stop it from causing insanity. If you'll excuse my language and hers, she described it as a head fuck. And I think that nicely sums up the storm thats raging in my head right now.

Amusingly for me, she also called me "passive aggressive" when I'm in a bad mood. This made me chuckle a bit because when I was younger I was not passive aggressive. I was aggressive aggressive. It makes me feel a little better that my methods of letting people know that they have upset me are more subtle and less in-your-face than they used to be. Still I regret that my once sharp tongue has been eroded a little. Honesty is important and I still haven't mastered this properly. For the sake of an easy life I tend to ignore people without telling them that I am upset. A healthy balance between aggression and passive aggression might be needed. Or maybe no aggression. I'm still learning on this one. But thats okay.

Finally I want to give a shout out to my beautiful friend who ran 10k today - something I could never do but don't really want to. You can read about her adventures here http://analogisethat.blogspot.com/ and you should sponsor her as well *wink wink nudge nudge* I'm so subtle.

Discoveries of the Supernatural Kind

2009-05-10T06:22:00.000-07:00

This is a poem that I wrote a few years ago. Reading it now its remarkable how religious it actually sounds. I didn't intend this when I wrote it and only realised it just now when I read it back. Furthermore the line that I have highlighted in bold completely sums up two central themes right now - love and hope. Interesting...

Revellations

Magic happened here tonight, the fireflies were whispering,
The wind was blowing breathless and every star was listening,
The trees did hush their branches; the birds did hush their song,
And we devoured sweet serenity as it never lasts that long.

For the briefest of all heartbeats the earth became our Eden,
Fairytales were certain and everything meant freedom,
The darkness bled to brightness which shone with golden grace,
And Heaven glowed within us as we found at last our place.

Possibility soared with angels and sense defied all reason,
Sunshine reigned invincible and became the endless season,
Miracles were possible and peace coursed through our veins,
And those souls that felt euphoria would never be the same.

And though the light is fading and masking what we’ve seen,
And though the silent mist is sleeping as if had never been,
Weakness will never prise from us this strength that holds so deep,
And time will never steal from us the secret we must keep.

Because human kind lie lost sometimes - forgetting why we breathe,
Beauty holds no awe for us and we have nothing to achieve,
But remember smiles will overcome and laughter’s indestructible,
And that love will last forever and hope is nigh untouchable.

And when you’re feeling hopeless blue go dancing in the rain,
Release yourself to heartache and wash away your pain,
Find joy in every goodnight kiss; find faith in every dream,
Find promise in despairing days and the melody in a stream.

To Go or Not to Go - That Is The Question

2009-05-09T16:22:00.000-07:00

Todays mantra was delivered to me on a t-shirt: To the brave of heart, nothing is impossible.It was in French and unfortunately my powers of translation are pretty poor. However, with a little detective work and the help of a couple of friends we figured it out. I don't necessarily know why it spoke to me or how I can apply it to my life right now but alas it seems important.

Perhaps I should use it to decide whether I am brave enough to go to church tomorrow. More importantly do I want to? After a midnight stroll (in my back garden) I have arrived at the sneaking suspicion that my motives for wanting to believe in God are the wrong ones. I know how happy it will make several important people in my life if I were to attend. And I also know that if those people knew that the reason I were there was to make them happy - then, well, I doubt they would be happy at all. More than this I worry that part of my desire to believe is because then at least I would be a valid addition to the Agape family rather than some poor atheist tag-along. A Christian version of myself would be altogether more suitable. But these are wrong reasons.

Don't be under the impression that I think my Christian friends would love me anymore or less if were I a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Monk or Monkey. However they DO want to spread the message, they DO want me to believe in Jesus but they know and I know that there's no point in my doing it just to please them.

I am cautious about thrusting myself upon it because of this. All these reservations and more mean that I don't think I will be attending Church tomorrow. When I do go I don't want to see anyone I know. Is this because I feel embarrased being there? Yes that certainly is a factor. And while that's true, I feel that it would not be right for me to attend.

My brave heart knows that nothing is impossible. But today isn't about possibilities...its about choices and making decisions for the right reasons. And because of that I know in my heart of hearts that the bravest thing that I can do right now is to be honest with myself.

Faithless and Hopeless

2009-05-08T20:44:00.000-07:00

Four hours ago I got out of a car and the world looked bleak. Since then I've been trying to simultaneously ignore and embrace everything that was said. Its five in the morning and I am knackered but sleep it seems will persist to evade me until I sort all this out and say what I need to say on the situation.

Before all this happened I didn't believe in God. When Sam died I questioned this sentiment. When Fintan died, I returned to it. Last night I questioned it again. Today I scoffed at myself for ever doubting it and I don't think thats the end of the story.

The hope and strength I had yesterday came from the faith of two religious friends. They were the only two sources of light I have found over the past few days. So you see...implicit in my hope was a search for faith. And I - the world's biggest atheist started to question my faith. But right now I don't feel God, I don't feel spiritual and I don't feel hopeful.

Its painful to have to say this because I know that my hope gives others hope. In that sense hope feels a bit like a burden to me. I use the word burden because right now I don't want to be hopeful or strong or helpful. Right now I want to shout at the world for being so crap. I want to throw my toys out the cot and cry and scream and be pissed off.

But of course for me hope is not and has never been synonomous with faith. I can be hopeful without converting to Christianity or any other religion. And though the hope I had yesterday feels like its abandoned me today - like some bad boyfriend who shows up one day with flowers and ignores me the next - I know it hasn't. And this is the crux of what I want to say. The best I can do right now is HOPE FOR HOPE.

I am feeling a lot of pressure to be positive and optimistic. I will find that strength again but I don't feel it at the moment and quite frankly I'm not strong enough to fake it. What I do have faith in however, is that the people I love will understand the swings and roundabouts of emotion that we are all going through. And I pray that they will forgive my weakness.

The other lesson I haved learned today is that grief doesn't work how we want it to. It doesn't get better the longer you leave it. It can't be cured by time. It never just switches itself off. We just have to get used to a different kind of normal.

And this is how I have come to see grief. As time passes the gapping holes that lost loved ones leave behind are just as big but the edges become blunt and less jagged so we don't feel them so obviously. Maybe there is comfort to be found it that. I don't know. Its a question for tomorrow.

Nothing

2009-05-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

I can't write today

The More We Love The More We Suffer

2009-05-07T15:19:00.000-07:00

I need to preface this blog by telling you that two people who I loved have died in the past few days. One was adorable and eleven years old. He was killed in a hit and run accident. The other was outstanding and twenty one years old. He died in his sleep of pnemonia. Up until now my pain has been unbearable, hysterical and undignified . But despite this certain people are emerging as angels guiding me blindly past the tears and supporting my search for hope in this darkest of days - hope that I will get through this, hope that others will get through it too. This hope has freed my mind and at last I feel ready to write down my thoughts.

And this is my first thought. The more we love the more we suffer. Assessing my life I have come to recognize how easy and quickly I love people - not just falling in love but just loving people. It doesn't seem to take very long for people to mean something to me. I think that's why my pain is burning as intensely as it is. Because I loved so deeply and now I am suffering deeply.

The question is whether love is worth the suffering? This is what I shall be exploring. This and other unanswered questions. Through this I aim to heal myself and mend my heart. I will turn bad grief into good grief and fight my way through banking on the fact that after the darkness comes dawn. And I embrace this sentiment with my whole heart